I got written up on Take Your Daughter To Work Day. Why are overweight babysitters a bad idea? The babies always get crushed when they sit on them. What’s the difference between a fetus and a baby? My mom didn’t try to stab me when I was a baby. How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19? She lost her taste. Why is it wrong to bring fruit on a date without the other person’s consent? It contributes to grape culture.ĭid you hear about the contractor who died while working on a bathroom? He choked on caulk. What’s the first step to mending a broken heart? Removing it from your chest. How do you make a serial killer with a collection of baby skulls happy? Give him a little head. I like my women like I like my coffee: weak and burnt. What did the mother say to the father when he freaked out over their daughter’s college tuition? “I bet you wish you didn’t beg me to keep it now, don’t you?”Įveryone tells me to love myself, but they scream at me to put my pants back on whenever I try it. Why did the husband dump pancake mix all over his wife? So she could go to a shelter for battered women. What has four wheels and flys? A shopping cart full of dead babies. Why did the husband get mad at his wife for ironing his pants? He was wearing them at the time. Why do holocaust survivors all drive electric cars? They’re afraid of gas. What did the cheerleader say when the nerd asked her to the prom? I’m busy that night. How do you get rid of an unwanted pregnancy? Put a banana peel at the top of the stairs. What did the boy say when his mother got remarried? Nothing. What game did Linkin Park’s lead singer love to play as a kid? Hangman. How good was Kurt Cobain’s last time doing drugs? It was mindblowing. “Three inches? That’s not enough to fill me up!” said the husband. The wife gets the sub and gives a quarter of it to her husband. What did the man say to his girlfriend when she told him she had HPV? Honey, I love you, warts and all.Ī husband and wife go to SUBWAY and agree to split a footlong sub. What’s the difference between getting a blood transfusion and being intimate with a man? My Dad didn’t get AIDS from a blood transfusion. How do you stop a baby from crying? Feed it…to an alligator. Why did the business owner become a necrophiliac? He wanted a silent partner. Why did the woman drink a whole bottle of industrial adhesive? She was feeling glueicidal. What’s funnier than a kid falling down the stairs? Two kids falling down the stairs.ĭid you hear about the guy with Parkinson’s who tried to shoot himself in public? He was arrested for manslaughter. I grabbed her by the throat and said, “Why wait?” My wife asked me to choke her the next time we’re in bed. Why did the man bludgeon Kieth Richards and Mick Jagger to death with an unconscious penguin? He wanted to kill two stones with one bird.Ī scared little boy pointed to his baby sister and shouted, “Dad, she’s choking!” The father replied, “Hi, choking. His mother taught him not to talk with his mouth full.Īn apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a shotgun puts them down for good. What did the priest say to the altar boy? Nothing. How do you get a dog to stay? Nail his feet to the floor. What do a man wearing baggy pants and a mouthy kid have in common? They both need a belt. I told him I wanted a second opinion, so he pulled out a scalpel and stabbed me. Why don’t cannibals eat vegans? Not enough protein.ĭid you hear about the new Disney movie where Bambi, Simba, and Dumbo take the same High School English class? It’s called Dead Parents Society. How does a WWII vet cook ramen? He nukes it. How do you stop a baby from choking? Let go of its neck. What kind of cell phone do you get for a depressed teen? A Razer.
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